“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”
- W. C. Fields
“A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.”
“Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.”
“Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.”
“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”
“Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.”
“Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.”
“Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.”
“Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?”
“Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.”
“Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.”
“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”
“I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.”
