“A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.”
- Roseanne Barr
“As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.”
“Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.”
“Excuse the mess but we live here.”
“Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?”
“I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.”
“I figure if my kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.”
“I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.”
“I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.”
“I know how to do anything, I'm a mom.”
“I was completely nuts for most of my life.”
“It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.”
“My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.”
“My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.”
